Monday, August 18, 2014

trials out of nowhere

15 years ago my dear friend Jennifer Cumberbatch and i began a journey that led us to write a musical entitled R3.  we both felt like woman's stories needed to be told and Jennifer was/is the perfect vehicle to convey them.  

for you who have never met Jennifer Cumberbatch - - let me tell you a little bit about her.  
she is: beautiful inside and out, a thinker, a writer, a humanitarian, a singer, one of the best stage actresses i have ever seen, and one of the best preachers of her generation- - and that is just the tip of the ice-burg.  
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we wrote composite stories from the heart and lives of woman we personally knew and loved.  we also wrote music to accompany and enhance each story furthering its' impact on the listener.  

during the writing and production of R3 - real woman, real life, real stories, i personally walked through a time of crisis.  sometimes we cause our own trials by missteps or disobedience, but sometimes we have a period of darkness that catches us off guard and slams into us out of nowhere.

from the period of october - april:  my daughter miscarried, i separated from my husband of many years, my extended family was broken because of the enormity of personal infraction perpetrated against them, my daughter became pregnant once again but was very sick and i found a lump in my breast.  
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on may 4, i found myself at the church working on last minute preparations for the debut of R3.  we were debuting the show at a woman's retreat on may 5.  i was listening as my brother R.J. was finishing up a trac to the song i had just finished for R3 the week before - "How I Love that Name".  i listened to him work for a little while and then i left to go home and have my parents and daughter take me to my late afternoon biopsy.  

the lump that had felt so tiny when i found it 
now felt so big and heavy  
it weighed my entire life down 
it consumed me 
my thoughts ran rampantly out of control
i was only 48 - my first grandchild was being born - i loved life 
i might have cancer. 
my life was a mess - - i was a mess
my life was chaos - - i was thrown into chaos
the surgeon's words to me as i left the office were
"it doesn't look good"
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may 5, all of us involved in R3 were meeting to drive in a caravan to the woman's retreat.  we were meeting at the church at 3:30.  at 2:45 the phone rang - i answered - the surgeon who had performed the biopsy asked me if anyone was with me - he then asked me if i was sitting down.

there are no words to explain how you feel when you hear the words  - "you have cancer." 
numb, anxious, scared, terrified, helpless, hopeless
 unable to grasp the enormity of what those words mean - - 

those were only a few of my feelings.

i called my parents and said, "bad news, i have cancer."  i called my daughter and son-in-law and shared the news with them.  we drove to the church and met up with the R3 team who had already heard the news. we all cried, prayed and then we were on our way to minister to the woman at the retreat.

 i don't remember a lot that happened that night - but i do remember the end of R3 when we started singing the simple little song i had written the week before - "How I Love that Name." 
the profound message of the song infused me with hope for my future and faith that God would see me through this trial.  i didn't know the outcome, but i knew who held the outcome of His child in His loving hands.

how i love the precious name of Jesus
how i love the mighty Name that frees us
demons tremble at the Name
every knee shall bow
every tongue proclaim
the Name of my Lord - Jesus

Jesus - what a mighty Name
Jesus - how i love, how i love that Name

the mighty Name of Jesus
it's the mighty Name of Jesus
the mighty Name of Jesus
it's the mighty Name that frees us

 i am so thankful that no matter what happens in my life - - good or bad
i know who holds my future
and He loves me

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